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eZine article: September, 2006
written by Alison Finch
Do You Suffer from OC3?
Have you ever been to a doctor and described a condition that seemed strange to you, as if you were the only person who might ever have been suffering from it?
Do you remember the relief that comes from learning that you were not alone, and that thousands of other people have been experiencing exactly what you have been feeling?
Have you felt the sense of euphoria as you hear that your symptoms describe a condition that has a name, and noticed your fear melt away when you realise that there are things you can do to alleviate the symptoms or get rid of them altogether?
If you're old enough to remember a time when mothers felt as if they were going crazy if their kids were forever getting into trouble for not paying attention in class, perhaps flitting from one activity to another in an often destructive way, then you'll appreciate the significance of the work done in defining Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Similarly, if you have experience of someone who seemed to pursue little rituals over and over as if they were among the most important things in the world, you'll appreciate how important it was to define a condition called Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
Well, today I'd like to tell you about a condition that many thousands – perhaps tens of thousands – of our members suffer from; a condition that I have encountered so many times that I have coined a name for it: Obsessive-Compulsive Comparing and Competing, which can be more conveniently referred to as OC3.
I'm going to tell you how to recognise whether you have even a mild version of OC3, and then I'm going to tell you what you can do about it. The good news is that all of the symptoms of this distressing condition can be completely overcome with a bit of help.
Before you read on, I'd like to invite you to vote in the poll that you'll see at the top right of this page. The result of the voting so far will give you some interesting insights into how many others may think as you do.
OC3 has some similarities with OCD, but is usually more easily treatable. It is helpful by way of context to consider the similarities between these two conditions before we talk about how to overcome OC3 if you suffer from it, or if you know someone who suffers from it.
obsessive-compulsive disorder
Many of you will already have heard of OCD but may not be familiar with its definition. Here is an explanation of the term, which I've extracted from Wikipedia.
"Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a psychiatric disorder, more specifically an anxiety disorder. OCD is manifested in a variety of forms, but is most commonly characterized by a subject's obsessive (repetitive, distressing, intrusive) thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or rituals) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions."
OCD can have a significantly detrimental effect on a person's life, and on the lives of those who care about a person who suffers from it.
obsessive-compulsive comparing and competing
OC3 is a condition that my experience suggests affects far more women than men. It seems to be more prevalent in younger women (say, below the age of 35) and among women who live in modern, usually urban, societies rather than traditional, rural communities. When taken towards an extreme, OC3 can systematically destroy a woman's self-esteem and ruin her intimate relationships.
Here is my definition of the condition, as it applies to women:
"Obsessive-compulsive comparing and competing is a psychological condition that impacts negatively on a woman's self-esteem. OC3 is manifested in a variety of forms, but is most commonly characterized by a woman's obsessive (repetitive, distressing, intrusive) need to compare herself to other adults – usually women – accompanied by feelings of compulsion to act in such a way as to try to neutralize the competition."
OC3 is a psychological condition, not a psychiatric disorder
I do not believe that OC3 is a mental illness, just as low self-esteem is not a mental illness, but it can create a lot of anxiety, distress, and needless suffering. And, like low self-esteem, OC3 is a curable condition and can be overcome.
In fact, if my description of OC3 has struck a chord of recognition in you, you'll be pleased to know that I'm going to talk later about the positive steps you can take to overcome it, starting today.
And if that chord of recognition hasn't yet chimed, let me illustrate what I'm talking about by sharing in the box below a few quotations, taken verbatim from emails sent to me by members of Selfesteem4women.com over recent weeks:
"One on my biggest problems is 'comparison' shopping: looking at the 'superficialities' i.e. other people's parenting style and how they've just got it all together, nicer houses, clothes, cars etc than me, brighter and happier personalities than me, socially popular, etc."
"I have a big problem with my boyfriend's ex's. People think I am a very good looking young woman. I am 21, my boyfriend is 27. My problem is he has let go of his ex's but I myself can't seem to. I am always comparing myself to them in one way or another. I am driving my own self mad."
"My boyfriend is very sweet and loving and says he is crazy about me but he loves women (especially the attractive ones) and stares at them, makes comments and flirts with them in front of me. It makes me feel really insecure – like he’s unfavourably comparing me and I unfavourably compare myself to these women."
"I see other girls and say they are much pretty than me and guys will never want me and, when they do, I still ask myself why they like me."
"I have very low self-esteem at the moment. People close to me do not understand why as they say I am attractive, have a good job, own my own home, nice figure etc. but my problem is jealousy. I get very jealous when my boyfriend is seen to be having a laugh with another woman."
"I just feel like I am not good enough to be with him if he has to look; I have a small chest and I feel like I should have a bigger chest and dress more provocative just to make sure he has his attention to me."
"I am experiencing a difficult situation right now. I feel silly even talking about it. I keep finding myself wanting to see what my boyfriend's ex-lovers look like, to compare, I guess. I know how crazy this sounds but I'm really struggling with how to come to terms with this."
I cannot recall a week going by without my receiving letters along similar lines from anguished women who show strong indications of suffering from OC3.
why do we compare and compete?
Let me make one thing very plain to begin with: we all compare and compete to some extent. In fact it would be abnormal not to compare ourselves with others, because we have a genetically built-in survival instinct that encourages us to do so.
In an evolutionary sense, the notion of comparing and competing is consistent with the laws of the jungle, or the survival of the fittest. In female terms, you might even consider that it's more appropriate to express this as survival of the sexiest, which is a concept that I know makes many women uncomfortable, frustrated, or angry.
Our instinct to play the game of survival of the sexiest is like many other cavewoman instincts that we possess, reluctantly or not: it is not very well adapted to modern life. In fact, this hangover from the days when our wardrobes would have been lucky to contain more than one bearskin can actually, in modern times, work against us, if we are not conscious of when, where and why it is affecting our behaviour.
To understand how this instinctive desire to compare and compete is affecting women in today's society, let's question a few of its characteristics.
why does OC3 seem to affect more women than men?
In order to suffer from OC3 at all, it's necessary to have a competitive survival instinct and, as we all know, men can be very competitive indeed! But there appears to be a subtle difference in the way men and women assess their worth. I know there are always exceptions but, crudely speaking, when men compete fiercely it tends to be rather action-orientated; whereas when women compete it tends to be concerned with self-image.
Guys usually compare what they do: their success at work, their active sex lives, their sporting achievements, their fast or expensive cars, their prowess at the gym, their earning power. Whereas women tend to compare faces, bodies, breasts, wrinkles, waist lines, clothes, homes and so on. Of course, I know that women compare career status and men compare bodies; we are all capable of comparing all things. But when it comes to what makes us feel most vulnerable, those generalisations I've just made about differences between the sexes do seem to apply to the majority.
Given that women tend to be self-conscious about their images, the astonishingly rapid rise in media influence over the past few decades has placed forests of new and combustible material around the smouldering kindling of women's sensitive emotions. Images are the media's stock-in-trade, and many of those beautiful creatures they put before us are intended to grab the attention of our men. It's estimated that people living in heavily populated urban environments can be subjected to around 3000 new and usually rather provocative images per day! We can be bombarded with images of gorgeous, often airbrushed, perfectly formed, stylish women almost every waking hour to fan the flames and increase the likelihood of an OC3-fuelled emotional firestorm.
If your competitive survival instinct is hyper-sensitive, life today can resemble a war zone; living constantly under-threat and forever feeling vulnerable. It's hardly surprising that some women who develop severe OC3 find life almost unbearable.
why is it more prevalent in younger women?
OC3 is a condition that many women grow out of naturally as they mature, settle down, feel content with their life and find their place within society. Many older women, whilst still recognising that self-image is important, realise that it's not everything and that they are managing to survive even though other women have better boobs, thinner waistlines, and fewer winkles. Self-acceptance is key to overcoming OC3.
why is it more common to suffer from OC3 if you live in a modern, urban environment?
Quite simply, the "threats" are more numerous and more frequent.
Imagine a young woman living in New York who gets up in the morning and watches a little TV while she dresses, commutes to work by car, serves strangers in a large department store all day long, has lunch at a bustling coffee shop whilst reading a magazine, arranges to meet up with her partner in a cosmopolitan bar after work and finds him talking to two attractive women who are both unknown to her. An interesting social opportunity? Not if you have OC3. For some women, those two innocuous strangers are enough to make them explode in a jealous rage. For others, the "competition" may make them feel so worthless that they begin to doubt that any man could settle for someone so inadequate as themselves!
so what can be done if you have OC3?
Do you remember what I said about the relief that comes when you realise exactly what it is you might be suffering from? Well, now that we know what OC3 is, we can move right on ahead and start to overcome it. If you follow the suggestions and recommended actions below, you WILL very quickly lessen the impact of OC3 on your life. And, once you start to make progress, you can begin to look forward to a full-blown cure!
Here is what to do:
1. Observe and judge, instead of comparing and competing.
This is just SO important. If you take only one thing from this entire article, take this: next time you catch yourself comparing and competing, stop for a moment and tell yourself to observe and judge instead. It's OK to observe people; in fact it's a useful thing to do. And, it's OK to judge providing that you do so objectively and fairly.
Once you've observed and judged, you are empowered with knowledge of your surroundings. In stark contrast, comparing and competing tends to lead to paranoia, insecurity, envy, or jealousy; any or all of which are not empowering at all.
It will feel strange at first to observe, judge, and leave it at that. But, believe me, with practice this attitude will become much easier and you'll certainly feel better for it.
Here are two alternative internal dialogues that might occur in a woman's head whilst she is sitting in a bar waiting for her boyfriend to join her:
Alternative One: the comparing and competing approach:
"Gosh, she's stunning and look at those boobs, they make mine look pathetic. And she's smiling with such confidence, I bet when my boyfriend walks in here, he won't even notice me! I do hope she leaves before he gets here. I'll be furious if he looks at her first. It will ruin my night. I hate him when he looks at other women and makes me feel unattractive. He'd better not do that tonight because I'm feeling a bit fragile right now."
Alternative Two: the observing and judging approach:
"This is a great bar. Wow, look at her, she's stunning and she has great boobs. She obviously feels confident with the way she looks. Oh, and look there's another women with a lovely figure but she doesn't seem quite so confident. It just shows that looks are not everything; what's happening inside a person can make a real difference to how they come across. Oh, there's John, and he's on time – I like the fact he never lets me down. I'll give him a wave so he can see where I am. I'm really looking forward to tonight. It should be fun in here."
2. Don't blame the media for how you feel about yourself
Yes, we are bombarded with images of gorgeous women that most men appreciate. But that is no reason to feel bad about being you. If you find that these images unsettle you, be discerning and focus on the things that enrich your life. For example, when you watch TV, plan ahead and pick out programs with valuable content; if you like to buy women's magazines, then read what's in them, as opposed to just flicking through looking at the pictures. Remember, you have a choice about how YOU use the media rather than the other way around.
3. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he says, "it's no big deal"
If you have a husband or boyfriend who appreciates attractive women but claims only to have feelings for you, try believing him for a change! I know it may sound like a leap of faith and it may be tempting to seek frequent reassurance about your partner's faithfulness, but many men are speaking the truth when they give these reassurances.
Many wonderful men are capable of seeing a stunning woman walk down the street, appreciating her for a fleeting moment and then forgetting about her instantly and carrying on with their daily business. Such mildly pleasurable moments are rarely significant and are hardly ever relationship-threatening in any way. Unless, of course, a jealous girlfriend sees the fleeting moment as a betrayal, throws a big hissy-fit, and makes life a misery!
Really, in the vast majority of cases, it is no big deal.
3. Read my Self-esteem eWorkbook "Boosting Your Self-worth In Social Situations"
I wrote this Self-esteem eWorkbook to help women who struggle to feel worthy compared to others, so do check to see if it was recommended for you after taking the Ultimate Self-esteem Test. If you've not taken the test yet, then make this a priority so that you can obtain your free Self-esteem eReport, which will contain recommendations for you.
4. Don't take on the world; it's too big!
If you're inclined to feel insignificant, it only takes a few moments of Googling, or watching TV, or reading a newspaper, to find the ammunition you need to wound your ego. There will always be someone, somewhere, doing something fabulous or amazing that can make your life seem trivial, dull, and unimportant. That feeling of "WOW she's isn't she amazing, compared to me?" will eat away at your self-esteem if you allow yourself to feel it too often.
Decide instead that you don't want to feel insignificant. Focus on stuff that really matters in your immediate world. It's easier to find than you might think!
If you try to compete with the whole world, you will inevitably feel worthless in comparison. It's simply too much for any mere mortal to take on, so enjoy eating a slice of humble pie, recognise that you are a flawed and fallible human being (as indeed we all are) and do your very best to make the most of today. Then you can justifiably feel good about your personal achievements, and nobody can take that feeling away from you.
5. Be gentle with your body:
My articles in our online Library will help you to develop a more forgiving frame of mind. Be sure to take a look at:
- Your Body is Not a Work of Art
- It's No Body's Fault
6. Do not let yourself be "the jealous type"
If you get jealous, it's your problem. No-one else is to blame. But it's a problem you CAN overcome. And I can help you to do it if you want me to. To start with, take a look at our Self-esteem eWorkbook "Tackling Jealousy" and also the articles on jealousy in our online Library.
7. Swim like a fish!
Comparing and competing can be self-defeating. A couple of days ago, I was watching a group of nine-year olds learning to swim. It was a lesson, not a competition, but I can recall one of the more able swimmers looking pleased with himself when he reached the end of the pool before any of the other kids. Flushed with childish self-importance, he evidently made up his mind secretly to compete during the remainder of the session. Interestingly, he proceeded to come second or even third from that point on, never again coming first as his ability might have deserved. Why? Because he felt compelled now to raise his head out of the water and look left and right, just so that he could assess his progress against the competition as he swam, thereby slowing himself down.
In a nine-year-old world, this occasional behaviour is just a normal part of growing up. But if you were constantly to approach your adult life in this way, your OC3 will cause you to miss out and potentially lose the very things that you are competing for. It's heartbreaking to observe just how many of the women who write openly in our Confidence Café admit that their boyfriends have left because they couldn't stand being with a jealous woman any longer, which is always very sad for both parties involved.
8. Realise how attractive your really are.
Mostly, we are all sufficiently beautiful people, in a holistic sense, to lead fulfilling and rewarding lives if only we would allow ourselves to do so. If you struggle to believe you are beautiful, then our Self-esteem eWorkbook "Realising How Attractive You Really Are" will help you. Much of our beauty comes from inside, so comparing ourselves with what is around us can be a destructive distraction.
9. Relax
Give yourself a mental vacation. If you can't imagine totally ceasing to compare yourself to others, at least give yourself a short break to see how it feels. You never know, you may choose never to go "back to work"!
10. Ask for help when you need it
A good proportion of my personal clients come to me suffering from OC3 and feeling distraught about the damage it is causing in their lives. If you have absorbed the content of my points 1-8 above and feel that you need additional help, do please take a look at my personal coaching option.
summary
If you have the symptoms of OC3 it helps to know that many thousands of other members share your discomfort and anguish. OC3 is not a mental illness, it is merely a psychological condition which can be overcome with determination and a little practice. And, don't forget, we are here to provide more help when you need it.
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